why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Vodka?
Forever.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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