you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I supernannyed him into submission
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
