This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
