On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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