Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
this just has baby written all over it
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
