i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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