I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
