how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
Randomize
