Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
This is my gift to your gina
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
