Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
