I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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