The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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