My Higher Power is John Stamos
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize
