opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
