I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
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