im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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