Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
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