shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
