Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Randomize
