Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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