I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
There's always time for handjobs
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
