i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Randomize