My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
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Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
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