I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Randomize
