Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
