grandma shit on top of the toilet
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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