wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Randomize
