Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
