just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
