Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
