Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
