You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
