One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
