Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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