i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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