Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
