census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Randomize
