My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Randomize
