my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
