when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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