i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
