Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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