Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
If I die, sorry about rent.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
