NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
