mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
