Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
