So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Randomize
