apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
We're too hungover to prance.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Randomize
