and she was petting her beer can
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
