I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
