3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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