I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
