Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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