My nipple is on Facebook.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
