So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
