if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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